Releasing anger and fear to move forwards
This week marks a turning point in my life. I cannot – and will not – allow myself to live with this amount of internal anger and fear. I am choosing to move on – emotionally, if not physically – after a turbulent few years.
Over the past few years, I’ve learned a lot about setting emotional boundaries thanks to an individual who has tested them on more than one occasion. His anger and frustration seem to escalate whenever I stand up to him – not something I find easy to do as I try and avoid conflict whenever possible. However, interactions with him have, in recent times, taught me a lot about myself and how to be more assertive, especially as a woman living alone.
Several days ago, I had to stand my ground once more. From his angry response, I can only assume he was having a particularly bad day. His final retort was to shout after me, as I walked away, that I was “a sad and lonely person, who had no choice to live on my own as no-one would want to be with me.” I shook my head in disbelief, relieved to be putting distance between me and his vitriol. I knew his words didn’t represent my truth – I had come a long way since the death of my husband and had found peace with living alone.
I took the morning events as a sign. I needed to move on from these battles with this person. They’d gone on for far too long, and I no longer wanted my thoughts to be consumed with someone who didn’t earn the right to be there – and certainly not so frequently. I would still need to maintain my boundaries but remain calm and assertive while doing so.
In the evening, I meditated in my garden to quieten my mind. The glorious scent of the flowering jasmine and honeysuckle permeating my senses. I curled up into child's pose with my dog, Mole, lying beside me. Interestingly, as I let go and forgave, Mole began to clear his throat, as if he was dispelling the anger that I was letting go through meditation.
Feeling much lighter, the small hound and I went for a walk around the village, taking in the beautiful countryside views. This evening, I saw my surroundings through a brighter and clearer lens. We stopped for a while to watch a couple of horses graze and soaked up their innate wisdom. Nature was settling for the evening, and I bathed in the calmness that enveloped me as I walked.
The Universe responded too.
On my return came home, I watched the next episode of the Crown, which I’m thoroughly enjoying. This episode just happened to be the one in which the young Queen realises how she can handle the recent deceit by government ministers. Conscious of her lack of general education, gender and age, she chooses to be herself and act with feminine assertiveness and compassion, to great effect.
The next day, tarot gave me a relevant message, starting with The World card: “I am becoming more aware of who I am, my limitations, my choices and taking responsibility for myself” followed by The Tower: “Something needs to change – the inner world is just as unsafe as the outer and now is the time to be catapulted into awareness and be liberated from the old and worn out.”
But it was this morning’s sign that really touched my heart. Having completed my home deliveries for the community shop where I’m a volunteer, I turned my car around in the usual place. Today, for the first time in 2 months, a stunning chestnut horse with a white blaze was grazing in the field beside me – the spitting image of my husband’s horse, Moose. Tears welled as I sat for a moment and realised what a wonderful gift Ian left me when he passed away: an awakening to the universal energy and the (albeit challenging) lessons to be learned in this rollercoaster life we lead. #lifematters #truthmatters